May 202014
 

I haven’t written anything on here in a while. I wanted to blog something a few weeks ago, but I never got around to doing it. I have things that I would like to say, but it is difficult for me to do. I can’t really put a finger on why I can’t just express myself. Is it a fear of rejection? Or is it something else?

I was watching this documentary last night called Terms And Conditions May Apply. It is about privacy (or lack thereof) of information you share on the internet. Everything that you post and buy can be retrieved and analyzed, even if you deleted your history. This information is used by corporations and the government to track your behavior. It is pretty scary to know that you can be tracked down so easily.

Dec 162013
 

I have never told anyone about this other then my mother and father and my current therapist. I thought I would take a chance and talk about it on my blog.

When I was very young, maybe seven years old, I was laying in my bed trying to sleep when I saw this man appear at the foot of my bed. He was entirely black and was wearing a long trench coat that touched the ground and a fedora. I couldn’t make out anything else about him. Like I said, he was entirely black, very dark black, no face, no eyes, just blackness. I had this sense that he was evil and that he wanted to hurt me, but I didn’t know how. I let out a scream and my mother turned on the light and he vanished. I was confused because I knew he was there. My mother asked what I was screaming about and I told her. She scolded me, telling me that it was just my imagination and to go back to sleep. As soon as she turned off the lights he came back again. I didn’t yell this time, because I didn’t want to upset my mother, so I just threw the blankets over my head. Still to this day I can’t sleep without the blanket over my head.

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Dec 082013
 

I usually don’t remember my dreams, but lately I have been recalling them. I had one strange dream where a football team (might have been a high school team, but I know it wasn’t professional) were all playing in only their jock straps and shoulder pads. I guess you could call it a wet dream rather then a strange dream! I asked someone in the stands why are they not wearing any uniforms. Someone replied to me that they were too poor and couldn’t afford it.

Just last night I had a dream that I had knowledge about some important event and guys were after me. I had to move from place to place very quickly. Yet, for some reason I would never leave anywhere without my computer.

There was one part in this dream where there was an explosion which caused a fire. The fire was orange and yellow. That reminded me of one dream I use to have when I was young. I was pushing a red wagon all over town. I told this to someone before and she didn’t believe me claiming that men don’t dream in color. I don’t know where she got that idea from, but I do dream in color. I especially can recall reds, oranges and yellows in my dreams.

Nov 082013
 

I went to see my therapist on Wednesday. I was dreading going all day long. I had a homework assignment to write about something that is very hard for me to express and then read it to her that day. I was able to do it somehow, but I did have a panic attack right in front of her.

Yesterday and today I have been very depressed. I ate a bit on Thursday morning, but haven’t ate since then. I was working from home yesterday, and called off of work today. I was laying bed since 4PM on Thursday and didn’t get up until 3PM today. I talked to someone online at National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and that helped a lot. I just got out of the shower and I’m going to get out of the house and go watch a movie.

Feeling like this is just part of the healing process, they say. I hope I can shake this off and be a functioning person again.

Nov 032013
 

SAS logoBefore I started therapy I thought I would find support groups online for people with social anxiety. I don’t like to be in groups, so I thought that joining a group in a virtual setting would be more comfortable for me.

The first group I found was on Facebook. It wasn’t terrible, but there was no moderation from a trained professional. It was just the socially anxious leading the socially anxious – the blind leading the blind. I left there after a few weeks.

It was at that time that I started to look for a trained therapist to see. I did my research and found one that was close to me that had some of the same philosophies as myself. I was able to make an appointment over the internet, which was great. I didn’t have to talk to anyone on the phone! I did get a call back from them – I didn’t answer it, they left a message. The informed me that she was out on maternity leave and wouldn’t be back for three more weeks. I decided to wait it out.

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Nov 012013
 

A couple of weeks ago I blogged about opening up in therapy. I did my writing assignment for the week that I mentioned in that post and the next time I went to therapy, on October 23rd, I had to read it to her.

It wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. I found that when I read it I was distancing myself from the words on the page. So, my fear of crying wasn’t an issue since I emotionally I was not connecting with the words. The act of reading didn’t open me up emotionally to my therapist, but it did get me to open up my life experiences to her.

She wants me to continue to write some more to read to her while in session. I didn’t do the homework for this week’s session. I know the reason for this, but don’t wish to blog about it.