May 202014

I haven’t written anything on here in a while. I wanted to blog something a few weeks ago, but I never got around to doing it. I have things that I would like to say, but it is difficult for me to do. I can’t really put a finger on why I can’t just express myself. Is it a fear of rejection? Or is it something else?

I was watching this documentary last night called Terms And Conditions May Apply. It is about privacy (or lack thereof) of information you share on the internet. Everything that you post and buy can be retrieved and analyzed, even if you deleted your history. This information is used by corporations and the government to track your behavior. It is pretty scary to know that you can be tracked down so easily.

Nov 032013

SAS logoBefore I started therapy I thought I would find support groups online for people with social anxiety. I don’t like to be in groups, so I thought that joining a group in a virtual setting would be more comfortable for me.

The first group I found was on Facebook. It wasn’t terrible, but there was no moderation from a trained professional. It was just the socially anxious leading the socially anxious – the blind leading the blind. I left there after a few weeks.

It was at that time that I started to look for a trained therapist to see. I did my research and found one that was close to me that had some of the same philosophies as myself. I was able to make an appointment over the internet, which was great. I didn’t have to talk to anyone on the phone! I did get a call back from them – I didn’t answer it, they left a message. The informed me that she was out on maternity leave and wouldn’t be back for three more weeks. I decided to wait it out.

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Oct 152013

I have had a lot of alone time since being on furlough. I am usually at my best when I am isolated without anyone around me. Yet, I do tend to get depressed from the loneliness after awhile. When that happens I try to find some human contact, but usually within an hour or two I start to get some anxiety. It is a never ending balance that I maintain between the depression of isolation and the anxiety of being around people.

Oct 052013

I get insomnia almost every single night. I lay there thinking about all of the stupid, awkward social situations I got myself into during the day, thinking how I could have behaved differently or wondering how people judged me throughout the day. I also worry about things that are happening in the future: having to go into work the next day or having to be at a meeting somewhere. I have no idea why I worry over things like that for. I don’t think that it should bother must people, but it bothers me so much that it makes me cry.

Oct 042013

I signed up to do a blog a few months ago, but never actually posted anything. I started this up thinking that I could talk about some of my feelings and thoughts, but I’m finding this hard to do. I keep wondering to myself, what would people think of me if I bear myself. Worse yet, what if it is someone that I work with that reads this? My hands are shaking just trying to write this!

The inspiration for this came from watching people with social anxiety disorder (SAD) talking about their experiences on YouTube. I can’t stand having pictures taken of me or being video tapped, let alone talking about a mental condition that I have. I thought that I could write about it instead, but I am wrong, I am avoiding doing what I want to do with this blog. To talk not only about my thoughts on culture, society or politics, but to talk about my life, my feelings, my personal thoughts.

They say that the best way to overcome a fear is to face that fear.  I have blogged before in the past, but never actually about myself.