Dec 222013
 

Fuck Christmas by Fear

Great very short song by the LA punk band Fear. It came out as a single back in ’82, but I didn’t actually discover them – and punk rock in general – until about ’86.

The song sounds very negative if you just read the title, but it actually has a powerful message to it. Everyone always says how Christmas is about spending time with family and loved ones, but there is a lot of classism associated with the holiday. With people splurging on stuff they don’t need while there are people starving in the world. Very classy song.

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Dec 172013
 

On June 6, 2013, I started taking ballroom dancing lessons at the Fred Astaire Dance Studio in South Barrington. I always loved to dance, at least alone in my room. I thought it would be fun to be taught how to dance. It was also give me the exercise my medical doctor thought that I needed. I also thought it would give me some social exposure as well. For those that follow this blog, you know that is something that I need to work on. Doing ballroom dancing in front of everyone would be a challenging exposure for me.

On Saturday, I had my first ballroom dancing competition at the Holiday Star Ball. Needless to say, I was very nervous about it. I was nervous about getting the steps right, but more so I was nervous about performing in front of others. There were other couples on the floor with me, any where from three to six others, which made it a little better.

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Dec 162013
 

I have never told anyone about this other then my mother and father and my current therapist. I thought I would take a chance and talk about it on my blog.

When I was very young, maybe seven years old, I was laying in my bed trying to sleep when I saw this man appear at the foot of my bed. He was entirely black and was wearing a long trench coat that touched the ground and a fedora. I couldn’t make out anything else about him. Like I said, he was entirely black, very dark black, no face, no eyes, just blackness. I had this sense that he was evil and that he wanted to hurt me, but I didn’t know how. I let out a scream and my mother turned on the light and he vanished. I was confused because I knew he was there. My mother asked what I was screaming about and I told her. She scolded me, telling me that it was just my imagination and to go back to sleep. As soon as she turned off the lights he came back again. I didn’t yell this time, because I didn’t want to upset my mother, so I just threw the blankets over my head. Still to this day I can’t sleep without the blanket over my head.

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Dec 082013
 

I usually don’t remember my dreams, but lately I have been recalling them. I had one strange dream where a football team (might have been a high school team, but I know it wasn’t professional) were all playing in only their jock straps and shoulder pads. I guess you could call it a wet dream rather then a strange dream! I asked someone in the stands why are they not wearing any uniforms. Someone replied to me that they were too poor and couldn’t afford it.

Just last night I had a dream that I had knowledge about some important event and guys were after me. I had to move from place to place very quickly. Yet, for some reason I would never leave anywhere without my computer.

There was one part in this dream where there was an explosion which caused a fire. The fire was orange and yellow. That reminded me of one dream I use to have when I was young. I was pushing a red wagon all over town. I told this to someone before and she didn’t believe me claiming that men don’t dream in color. I don’t know where she got that idea from, but I do dream in color. I especially can recall reds, oranges and yellows in my dreams.

Nov 082013
 

I went to see my therapist on Wednesday. I was dreading going all day long. I had a homework assignment to write about something that is very hard for me to express and then read it to her that day. I was able to do it somehow, but I did have a panic attack right in front of her.

Yesterday and today I have been very depressed. I ate a bit on Thursday morning, but haven’t ate since then. I was working from home yesterday, and called off of work today. I was laying bed since 4PM on Thursday and didn’t get up until 3PM today. I talked to someone online at National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and that helped a lot. I just got out of the shower and I’m going to get out of the house and go watch a movie.

Feeling like this is just part of the healing process, they say. I hope I can shake this off and be a functioning person again.