A MidWestern transgender woman trying to survive in the real life.

First Term at National-Louis University

I just completed my final course for the summer quarter at National Louis University (NLU). I took two classes this quarter and got an “A” in both classes. I’m working on getting my Master at Teaching in Secondary Schools with a concentration in social sciences. I mentioned I was going to start this with a post that I made on May 19, 2023. I never did a post when I started. I’m really terrible at trying to keep up on this blog.

The coursework so far is easier then the graduate study I did at Northern Illinois University (NIU). The textbooks that NLU is assigning us to read is more geared towards an undergraduate student than a graduate student, in my opinion. When I was getting my Master of Arts in Anthropology at NIU we use to read articles from scholarly journals. The textbooks for NLU are not research or anything that in depth. It just glosses over the subject and is written in more layman’s terms.

This was also my first time doing online courses. It seemed odd not to sit in on a lecture in a classroom environment. We didn’t even have video conference calls at all. It was all done a web-based application where you would upload assignments and post in an open forum. It was hard for me to get use to. I still don’t know how I feel about it.

The fall quarter doesn’t start for me until late September, so I have some time to do other things. I’m substitute teaching secondary schools within my district. I think I might be able to substitute teach and take courses at the same time. From what I understand from other people that just recently graduated from the program, it is doable.

ChatGPT: Transgender Politican

I’ve been playing around with ChatGPT. I told it to write a detailed short story about a transgender woman who becomes a very powerful political figure in the near future but is assassinated by a right wing idealist lone gun man. This is what it came up with.

In the near future, amidst a society still grappling with acceptance and understanding, there lived a courageous transgender woman named Amelia Morgan. Her journey was one of resilience, determination, and an unwavering belief in the power of change. Amelia’s transformation was not just personal; it was also a testament to the evolving world around her.

As a young child, Amelia had always felt a disconnect between her true self and the expectations society placed upon her. The pain and confusion she experienced only grew as she entered adulthood. Yet, in the face of adversity, Amelia found her voice and discovered an inner strength she never knew she possessed.

With time, Amelia realized that her struggles were not hers alone. She recognized the plight of countless others facing similar battles. Inspired by the possibility of making a difference, she decided to step into the political arena and fight for a world that valued equality, inclusivity, and acceptance.

Amelia’s journey was not easy, as she faced opposition and prejudice at every turn. However, her charisma, intelligence, and unwavering dedication won over hearts and minds. Her authenticity resonated with people from all walks of life, transcending gender and social barriers.

As Amelia rose through the ranks of politics, her influence grew exponentially. She spearheaded groundbreaking legislation that protected the rights of transgender individuals, championed education programs promoting acceptance, and fought tirelessly for equal opportunities in every sector. Amelia’s vision of a fair and compassionate society began to take shape, giving hope to those who had felt marginalized for far too long.

However, her rise to power also caught the attention of those who opposed her progressive ideals. A right-wing idealist, consumed by fear and intolerance, hatched a sinister plan to silence Amelia’s voice forever. This lone gunman believed that by eliminating her, he could quell the growing tide of change and revert society to its previous state of ignorance.

Tragically, on a fateful day when Amelia was addressing a rally of supporters, the lone gunman struck. Chaos ensued as bullets pierced the air, ripping through the fabric of hope that Amelia had so painstakingly woven. The assassination attempt cut short the life of a woman who had become an icon of progress, leaving a void in the hearts of millions.

Amelia’s death sparked a tidal wave of grief and outrage across the nation. People from all walks of life, united by her message of equality, rallied together, determined to carry on her legacy. The tragedy served as a stark reminder that progress often comes at a price, but it also ignited an even stronger resolve to fight for a better future.

Amelia Morgan’s legacy lives on, not only as a transgender pioneer and a powerful political figure but as a symbol of hope and resilience. Her untimely death strengthened the movement for equality, inspiring a new generation of activists to continue her work. And in the hearts of those she touched, Amelia’s spirit remained, a guiding light illuminating the path toward a more inclusive and compassionate world.

It doesn’t have any real substance to it. It is bland and reads like an old textbook. Yet, it still is impressive for an AI to come up with this.

Going Into Teaching Secondary School

I usually never discuss anything about my employer publicly over the internet. Yet, I thought I would share that I’m going to have a career change.

I have mentioned in a post about my agoraphobia and how it caused me to lose my job at the United States Department of Agriculture. It is a long story on how I was eventually let go by my employer, so I won’t get into it. Ultimately, I managed to get on disability retirement. It is enough to pay the bills and live comfortably. I am very grateful for it.

Back in about September of 2022, I decided that I would start working as a substitute teacher for the local school district. I would be able to pick and choose the days that I wanted to work, and I could ease into it. I got all of the required paperwork completed and started early December 2022.

I eventually thought that I would try to obtain a license to become a secondary education teacher. I looked around at a number of universities and eventually decided to attend National Louis University (NLU) to obtain a Master at Teaching (MAT) degree along with my teaching license. It was just two more courses to take to get my MAT, so I thought I would work towards that to spruce up my resume.

I was required by NLU to take two under graduate courses prior to admission.  I enrolled at Elgin Community College to take courses in economics and human geography. I completed these requirements on Tuesday.

I was also required to take a content area test in either history or geography. I elected to take the geography exam. I took in in late March and passed it.

If everything works out as planned, I will start at NLU on July 3, 2022.  I’ll start to student teach in January 2025 and obtain my degree in about May 2025.

Lavaliere of Carnim: Chapter 2: The Power of Flowers

Pinkfae’s reunion with her friend Tuilinn.

“Pinkfae, is that really you?” a female Elf stopped suddenly in her tracks in amazement.

Without saying a word, Pink hugged her friend. “Yes,” she answered as they released from their embrace. “I didn’t get on the boat to sail to Aman.”

“You’re not the only one,” Tuilinn stated. “There are many others who didn’t make the journey as well. I was just on my way to Cerin Amroth to pick the flowers that grow there. I thought I would make a bouquet and bring them to our kin defending the boarders. Would you like to help?”

“Certainly,” Pinkfae said as the two continued down the path towards a great mound covered with flowers. There was a lone, ancient tree on top of the hill. It was so beautiful that it almost seemed artificial. “Lady Galadriel wanted me to help those fighting back the Orc invasion. Bringing them objects of beauty will certainly help in restoring their mental state.”

“It will also remind them what it is that they are fighting for,” Tuilinn added.

The two of them reached the hill and could smell the sweet scent of the pale colored flowers. Cerin Amroth was a popular place for the Galadhrim to meditate and relax. There were a few Elves relaxing on the side of the hill and undoubtedly there were also some up in the flet enjoying the breeze that brings the scent up there as well.

Tuilinn began to pick some of the Elanor while Pinkfae picked some of the Niphredil. After they each had a dozen of each type of flower they arranged them into a bouquet. All of Pinkfae’s life she longed to leave Lothlórien and explore the world outside. Over the course of the past few months she has seen and experienced more then she has during the past two thousand years. Yet, it wasn’t until now that she realized just how much she missed her homeland.

After the flowers were arranged the two headed off to Imlad Lalaith. There Maliriel, the feast-mistress, was holding a great banquet for the many guests that were entering Lothlórien, something that hasn’t happened in many centuries.

“Tuilinn,” Maliriel exclaimed as she saw the two of them. “Did you come to join us?”

Tuilinn shook her head, “no, we came bring flowers to help brighten the banquet.”

“Oh!” Maliriel said as she took the flowers. “Thank you. These only grow in our lands, I’m sure our guests will be pleased to see them.” She went over to the banquet table and placed them in a vase.

She stepped back and looked at the flowers sitting among the food and wine already sitting on the table. “A festival in Lothlórien without flowers is like a festival in Rohan without horses.” She turned to face Pinkfae, acknowledging her there for the first time, “in fact Pink’s heraldic device is a pink lily. Even though there are none that grow here in Lothlórien. You know, I have always wondered why your House used a lily on its heraldic device. Many of the Houses use flowers that are native to our land. It is very unusual.”

There was a brief pause as Maliriel waited for an explanation. Pinkfae finally gave in and admitted with a shrug that she didn’t know.

“You mean in all of your studies in lore, you never looked into the lore of your House?” Maliriel asked with a hint of shock in her voice. Ancestral lore was very important to many Elves; even those who were not lore-masters knew the histories of their own House.

“Pink was always more interested in the world outside of Lothlórien,” Tuilinn interjected.

“Its true,” Pinkfae acknowledged with some sadness in her voice. “They always say that you don’t know what you have until you lose it. I’ve seen many lands since I left, but nothing is fairer then Lothlórien.”

A field of Niphredil growing at Cerin Amroth in Lothlórien.

Pinkfae and Tuilinn got off their horses at the Elven camp Echad Andestel west of the river. There they met with Ambendel. “What brings you out here so, Tuilinn?” the Elven woman asked.

“We bring gifts to brighten the hearts of the Galadhrim defending our boarders,” she answered, show her the bouquet of wild flowers.

Ambendel smiled brightly as she accepted the gift. “Thank you, Tuilinn. I’m sure your gift will brighten the hearts of Elves, Dwarves, Men and Hobbits alike.”

“Men and Hobbits?” Tuilinn asked quizzically.

Ambendel nodded her head. “There have been many Free Peoples coming out of the gates of Moria as of late and not just Elves and Dwarves. It seems that the Iron Garrison have been able to secure Moria from the Servants of the Enemy.”

“There is still much work to be done,” answered Pinkfae. “Although the Dwarves have been able to secure the Twenty-first Hall, the Orcs have not all been driven out.”

“The Orcs that have been retreating out of Moria have established a number of camps west of here,” Ambendel stated. “The Dwarves’ progress has sent them closer to our doorstep. Thankfully the Free Peoples of Middle-earth have been able to contain them as well. Yet, the greater threat lies to the north-east of here. You should bring some of your flowers to Bahanneth, the quartermaster at Talan Fanuidhol. His people are guarding the largest camp of Orcs near Lothlórien.”

“Be well,” Tuilinn said getting into the saddle of her horse. “May victory be swift.”

“Stay safe, both of you,” Ambendel called out as the two rode off to Talan Fanuidhol.

Lavaliere of Carnim: Chapter 1: The Mirror of Galadriel

Pinkfae gazing into the Mirror of Galadriel

Haldir opened the gate and ushered Pinkfae inside the Garden of Galadriel. Although Pinkfae has spent her entire life in Lothlórien, it was the first time she has ever been allowed inside of the Lady’s garden. She knew about Galadriel’s Mirror, it was common knowledge among all of the Galadhrim, but she was not among the few permitted to peer into it. She can remember times spent up in the trees looking down into the garden and dreaming, wondering, what the mirror might show her.

Pinkfae looked over her shoulder as she slowly made her way inside the garden. She seemed doubtful that she was actually given permission to be inside of the sacred place. Haldir nodded his head slightly and gave a soft smile reassuring her that she could enter. Pinkfae looked back towards the garden and noticed the Lady standing near the Mirror. With her uncertainty gone and replaced with a sense of hope, she quickened her pace.

“Pinkfae Neilikka,” Lady Galadriel said as she approached. “I thought you and your family were making the journey to the west.” Pinkfae began to grow nervous. She couldn’t look directly into the eyes of the Lady. Instead her eyes wandered around the garden, the flowers, the walkway and the Mirror. “I’m sorry,” Pinkfae replied with a faint whisper.

“There is no need to apologize,” Lady Galadriel said with reassurance in her voice. “I knew that this path would lie before you long before Celeborn issued the evacuation. There have been many other refugees that did not set sail. Their hearts are still here in Middle-earth and no words can be uttered to sway them from it.”

“But, my Lady, what is it you and the Lord are trying to protect us from? Lothlórien has not changed at all.”

“No, it hasn’t, not yet. Already Orcs and Goblins have been infesting the surrounding forests.” She paused briefly, studying Pinkfae’s eyes. “Do you think that Haldir escorted you here so that you could find my garden? It was to protect you from being ambushed by the Servants of the Eye.”

“With all due respect, my Lady,” Pinkfae responded. “I can handle myself. I’m not a simple farmer’s daughter any longer.”

Lady Galadriel smiled at her and place her hand upon her shoulder. This caused a shiver to run up and down Pinkfae’s spine. Not out of fear, but out of love. She felt like a young girl being touched for the first time by the boy that she had a crush on.

“I have been watching you for a long time,” the Lady said. “And I have no doubts that you can defend yourself. All of the lore that you have learned over the past few centuries you have been putting to good use. It gladdens me that you along with many other Galadhrim have discovered the strength to overcome the minions of Morgoth.”

Galadriel lifted a white vase and slowly began to pour some water into the Mirror. The Mirror looked like a simple basin sitting on a pedestal slightly lower then waist high. With the surrounding garden the Mirror could be confused for a simple bird bath if someone didn’t know the powers of the Mirror.

“How long have you wanted to look into my Mirror?”

Lavaliere of Carnim

“Forever,” she was not sure why she replied, she knew the question was rhetorical. The Lady already knew the answer; she was practically omniscient.

“You have earned the right to gaze into it,” Galadriel said as the water settle down.

Pinkfae walked up towards the Mirror and peered inside. At first all she saw was her own reflection, but within a few seconds a shape began to appear. It was a Balrog and he was face to face with Mithrandir on a narrow stone bridge. Suddenly, the bridge collapsed and the two fell into the great chasm. The image shifted to the two fighting on The Endless Stair. Then it shifted again to the corpse of the Balrog laying on a snow covered mountain top. Near him was Mithrandir also laying in the snow, but his hand was slowing reaching out for Narya, the Ring of Fire. Then the image shifted to the hand of another, a dying Elf in a blackened waste land. His hand was reaching out for a lavaliere, a small pink emerald cut into the shape of a flower. Yet, the Elf was not able to grasp it before his spirit left his body. The image then faded away and the remaining water in the basin evaporated.

“I saw Mithrandir,” Pinkfae exclaimed. “He has slain Durin’s Bane. The Dwarves are free and safe in Hadhodrond at last! Yet, I saw something else, an Elf slain on a battlefield reaching for a necklace. It was a pink lily and looked exactly like the House of Carnim’s heraldic device. Do you know who that was?”

“It was your great-grandfather, Aegebed. He was slain during The Last Alliance of Elves and Men.”

“And the lavaliere? What was that?”

“It is the Lavaliere of Carnim.” Galadriel answered. “I know you have many other questions. The answers will come when you are ready to hear them.” Pinkfae was about to object, but she stopped herself. “I have ordered the guards to not let you inside of Caras Galahon until you have helped us prepare for our defense against the Orcs. I know you have done no wrong in turning back from your journey, but you will have to prove yourself with the other Galadhrim.”

Without any objection from Pinkfae, she was escorted outside of Lothlórien by Haldir.

Thinking of Getting Back Into Cycling

A woman cyclist taking a break.

Last month Paulina Cossio had a stream where she was showing some of the workout moves that she does. You can see the full video below. This stream really got me wanting to get back to working out. I use to workout frequently. It wasn’t too long ago before COVID hit us that I was going to Planet Fitness. I even had a trainer at one point of time. Getting back into it might be good for both my physical and mental health. What I use to love to do for physical activity that I haven’t done in a very long time was cycling.

I started picking up cycling seriously when I left the military. I found a used blue Ross Signature for sale. I think I paid $100 for it back in 1992 or 1993. I just changed out the seats and tuned it up myself. It worked just fine for general fitness. It wasn’t a good racing bike and was a little rough when I rode it for extended periods of times. Yet for the money that I spent on it, it was well worth it.

Yet, the bike is a bit out of date. I think if I want to get back into cycling I would want a new bike. I looked around at different cycling websites for a good inexpensive bike. I stumbled on the Eurobike XC550 on Amazon. It got some pretty decent reviews on Amazon and other sites. At $380 it is not going to be a racing bike at all, but it looked good for general exercise.

I couldn’t find my old bike rack, so I would have to get one of those if I wanted to travel somewhere to go cycling. I found this on Amazon. It is better than the one I use to have. I also don’t think I would have to use it right away.

Of course, I’ll need some clothing. I most have thrown out the cycling clothes I had when I purged a lot of my clothes years ago. I picked out some items that I would like to get, but I’m still looking around for good clothing at a reasonable price.

I also would like to get some accessories. I like to have a computer to keep track of my speed and distance. I found a wireless one manufactured by Cat Eye on Amazon. My old one was wired, it’d be nice to have one that is wired. I also want to get a mount on my bike for my iPhone. It would be good to use Google Maps to see where I am going. I found a mount by Roam on Amazon. It was very inexpensive.

I haven’t purchased anything yet, but I think the first thing I would purchase would be the bike itself. With my limited income I probably won’t have the funds to get it until next summer. I might even not be as hyped about cycling come a year from now.

There are a number of great trails to ride in Illinois. There is one trail that is about a mile or two from me that I could get on that connects to all of the trails in Illinois. When I lived with my parents in my early twenties, I once rode from their house to Lake Michigan and back. They live west of me and there isn’t a trail in their proximity. I had to take some back roads to get on one of the trails. It’d be nice to try to do that again. I just wonder if my old body can manage to do it, even after I trained myself.

Fifteen Years of The Lord of the Rings Online

Fifteen years from today I began my adventures in the massively multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG) The Lord of the Rings Online (LOTRO)

I was looking for a new MMORPG to replace Final Fantasy XI. I wanted to take a break from the game and perhaps move on to a different title. I went to GameStop looking for something. I noticed a single copy of a collector’s edition of The Lord of the Rings Online: Shadows of Angmar sitting on the shelf. I keep up to date on video game releases, but I have never heard of this title. I was also a fan of JRR Tolkien’s legendarium. Needless to say, I was surprised and pleased that I discovered the game. Little did I know that on that Wednesday on July 25, 2007 that I would begin a video game addiction that will last fifteen years. This would be longer than Final Fantasy XI, which I spent just under four years playing.

The first thing I did before I even installed the game on my computer was to look for a server to join. I always join a lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) guild (called kinships in LOTRO) so I was trying to find if someone created one for LOTRO and which server they are on. I find a kinship called Knights of the White Lady on the Landroval server. I joined that server and created a human captain. I picked a captain because it appeared to be similar to the paladin that I have been playing on Final Fantasy XI. Yet, when I went to the introduction area I saw a lore-master with a bear companion. I had a herald companion as a captain, but it didn’t seem as cool as having an animal companion. I deleted the character and created a new one, a lore-master named Pinkfae Neilikka (you have to purchase a surname from a notary non-player character when you reach level fifteen). Once I got out of the introduction area I was able to join a kinship. I applied to become a member of Knights of the White Lady. I was accepted to join the kinship shortly after I applied. The kinship is still going strong with many active members. Perhaps not as many as when the game was younger, but there are always a couple of members logged on at any given time. Also if you are an ally and not part of the LGBT spectrum, you are still welcome to be a member.

Evendim from High King’s Crossing

I hit level cap, which was level 50 at the time, after about a month of playing the game. It was at this time that I bought a lifetime subscription to the game. I believe I paid $299 for it at the time. I think it was perhaps the best money I ever spent. You can’t purchase a lifetime subscription any longer. I think they discontinued it in 2009. Currently you can subscribe to LOTRO at $15 per month or $100 a year. You don’t have to subscribe to play the game. In fact you don’t have to spend a dime on the game at all. You can play until level 95 with all content being open for you with some of the newer content not being available. After level 95 you can grind out LOTRO point farming (the real life currency to purchase in game items and content) by doing the deeds in game. Yet, there are some perks for being a subscriber. If you are interested in knowing the difference between the different account types there is an article on lotro-wiki that explains it very well.

Like I said, I was at end game and wanted to do some end game content. I patiently waited for other members to get to end game with me. Eventually we were doing some raiding. Yet, it was very sparingly. Others in the kinship that were interested in end game content grew restless and left for other kinships. I was one of them. I moved by character to my current kinship The Palantiri. We were running raids on a weekly basis. I also started to get active in the player-versus-monster-player (PvMP) on the server as well. I’m not a very big alt-player at all. (Someone that plays multiple different characters). I did start a healer class character since Knights of the White Lady was in bad need of healers. I also created a handful just as mules (characters that you only use to store your in-game items). Yet, for the most part I like to just play one character and try to do everything that I am able to do on that one character. Trust me, there is a lot that you can do. Even after fifteen years I haven’t done everything that I can do and achieve.

My lore-master on a warhorse in Lebennin.

About the time that Lord of the Rings Online: Mordor came out in July 2017, I took a break from the game. I haven taken a number of breaks lasting from a few weeks to a few months, but this time I spent nearly two years away from the game. There were perhaps three or four people from my kinship that regularly logged on the game to play. I also found the landscape mobs to be tougher to take down. I thought it was because I was starting to get worse at playing the game and chalked it up to old age. It wasn’t until I came back to the game that I realized I probably was due to a lack of Light of Eärendil to counteract the effects of the Shadow of Mordor.

I don’t recall the precisely when I eventually came back to playing the game. It might have been late 2019 or early 2020. Whatever the date, ever since then I have been logging on daily with perhaps a day or two missed here and there. I really have changed the goals for playing the game. Like I said, I liked the end game aspect of the game. Trying to form fellowships or raids (six or twelve man groups) to try to conquer/solve a dungeon (or instance as they all them in LOTRO) isn’t my main objective any longer. Instead, I’m just trying to get the best gear that I’m able to obtain without raiding (I still think the best gear you can obtain is through raiding) which usually entails doing daily repeatable quests or even finding a pick up group (PUG) to obtain some Embers of Enchantment that can be used to exchange for powerful items. I have always loved doing the epic quests (the main story line). It is like reading fan-fiction based on the books. Yet, I haven’t been doing that with side quests. In fact, I skip a lot of content that over level. I have been thinking of going back and trying to complete some of them. I have always found myself just exploring around and discovering graphic details that I missed speed running in the game.

My character by the swan fountain outside her home at 4 Fairwood Lane, Falathlorn Homesteads, Car-E-Hidh, Landroval server. Wearing Lórien Fancy Robe, Padded Pristine Shoulder Guards, Lieutenant’s Cloak and Circlet of Lórien.

Perhaps the person that really brought me back to playing LOTRO more regularly was TheeGreenEyedGamer on Twitch. I have been getting into Twitch very regularly since I lost my job and when COVID hit. I got into the live streaming service years ago, but I started watching it for hours on end just a number of years ago. I found her when I was looking for LOTRO streamers earlier last year. She does a weekly LOTRO point grinding session with her viewers. I decided to join in her adventures. I got to know her fairly well. Just a couple of months ago I decided to transfer one of the Valar Level Boost – level 120 that I obtained for free from Standing Stone Games for being a VIP during the 15th Anniversary celebration. I used it on my lore-master on the Arkenstone server that many Twitch streamers play on. I power leveled her to level 130 and got her stats up as best as I could. I don’t regularly play with that character. I usually hop on it to play with friends I made through Twitch.

I’m so excited to see what happens to the game in the next fifteen years. I’m sure that I will still be part of the game when the 30th anniversary is celebrated.

I want to leave you with a fan created video. About ten years ago when The Lord of the Rings Online was developed by Turbine they held a Biggest Fan Contest. People would make a short video saying why they love the game. Below is what I think should have won the contest. Enjoy! I’ll see you around Middle-earth.

Viewing Paulina Cossio on Twitch

Paulina Cossio

I like to play Marbles on Stream from time to time when I’m on Twitch. On May 9, 2020 I was looking around for streamers to play the game with. One of the streamers that I happened to discover that day was a young lady with the username PauCossio. When you select a player’s marble to follow them on the track you can take a look at their profile. Along with various game stats such as total points, number of races, and so on you’re able to see their Twitch avatar. At the time my avatar was just a picture of myself. Pau saw the picture, complimented it and speculated that I was an actress. She won me over with her sweet flattery I immediately gave her a follow and stuck around until the end of the stream.

I’ve been watching her religiously every since then. She has been playing Marbles on Stream to start her streams and then plays Jackbox Games and some web-based games. She’s very much a community player. All of her games are games that the viewers can play along with her. She might not be amazing gamer, but she does has an amazing personality. She is very quick to laugh and she is an actress to boot. She is a partner with Streamloots, which a marketplace to buy real-time interactions with live streamers in the form of virtual cards. She has some cards you can obtain and play where she will do accents. I wish she had more cards where I can watch her perform her art. The majority of the cards are animated gifs of her dancing.

I’m known in her community (which she calls the PauFam) as the person that loves to ask her sexual questions. I never expect an answer to my questions. It is fun just to see her reaction to them. Yet, she has recently been getting more annoyed by them rather then shocked, so I refrain from doing that any longer. She is a lover of dad jokes. Telling her one will always get a groan or a laugh from her. If you get a chance, go on her Twitch channel and check her out. Tell her that PinkKatie sent you!

Sexuality and Live Jasmin

I’ve never been very secretive about my sexuality and sexual orientation. I use to be part of round table discussions about my sexuality and sexual orientation when I was part of Prism at Northern Illinois University a long time ago. This was all before I started to transition. Back then I called myself bisexual, I had feelings for both men and women. Then I just used the term homosexual since I had a strong preference for men. Then I used the phrase homofelezible, which seemed to fit me the best. I’m bisexual with more of an attraction towards men. After I began to realize that I am a woman and not a man, I started to call myself heteroflexible since I’m a woman attracted towards men. I usually just tell people I’m heterosexual because it is easier for people to understand over bisexual. It always seems like my heterosexual friends think I’m gay and my homosexual friends to think I’m straight. Of course since I transitioned it is the other way around. If I would be honest with myself and with others I would have to say I’m bisexual, with a two on the Kinsey scale.

I never wanted to be in a relationship before. I guess because I’ve always known that I am a woman and I didn’t want to have to reveal this to a partner. I think it is always best to be truth with your romantic partners. When I wanted to be sexually active with someone most of the time I went to Steamworks. After I transitioned I stopped going there and went to the TgirlNightCLUB. I have only been there a few times and not any longer thanks to COVID-19. I use to be one of the few, if not the only, transsexual there. The men use to swarm around me when I went there.

I have been going to Live Jasmin to chat with some of the ladies on there. I usually don’t ask for them to do anything sexual since non-contact sexuality doesn’t do anything to me. Even watching porn doesn’t do anything for me like it use to before I transitioned. I especially like to talk to Diana Dagorall and Alis Evanss. Like I said, I just mainly chat with them. It can be an expensive habit if you don’t watch yourself. It ate through my back pay that I got. Although paying off my trustee also took a lot of that money. The site isn’t too bad towards their members. About every fifteen hours or so you can spin a wheel and possibly get up to 100% more credits for the tier you are buying at. I never did land on 100% but I once did get a 90%. Most of the time it lands somewhere between 45% to 55%. I think it has a terrible pay out system for the ones providing the services. They only make 30% to 60% of what they are charging. The rest goes to Live Jasmin. I personally would like to see the models get a larger cut than what they are giving them. They do take a little cut from the member side as well, but it is nowhere near as bad as what they do to the models.

I like to go into VIP shows. This is where the model will do a little show for five or six minutes with a charge to each member (usually about two credits) to reach a goal to start the show. I like them because I just love to watch what the guys have to say during the show. They say the usual stuff you would think they would say. Even in the public chat room the guys can be kind of creepy. I usually like to tell the model that I’m a cisgender woman. I just want to be thought of a woman and not just a transgender. Yet, there have been a few that I have told that I’m a transgender woman. I never had any problems. I guess they’re not going to turn away a paying member.

I think Live Jasmin is worth a shot to look at. If you want to be a model I’m not so sure, since I don’t see that side of things. Models can see more information about their side of the camera here. Like I said, I don’t get anything sexual out of it since I’m more attracted to guys. They do have a gay guy side to the site, along with a section for transgender women. Being a webcam girl wouldn’t be the life for me. For one thing I have gender dysphoria and don’t like how my body looks. I would do it if the money was better and worth my time. There are many beautiful ladies on the site. Which only causes my gender dysphoria to be greater, but it is nice when they say I’m good looking. Most of the time I don’t believe them and are just saying that to be nice.

Living Through the Coronavirus

A lot of shit has been happening since the last time I posted on here. First off, happy Mothers’ Day to all the mothers out there. I sent my mother a gift card to Amazon. It was done digitally, but she hasn’t picked it up yet. They have limited access to the internet. She’ll get it sooner or later.

March 17th marked my fiftieth birthday. This milestone still blows my mind. Frankly, I never expected to live this long. Yet, now that I’m at that age, it doesn’t seem like I’m as old as I thought I was going to be.

February marked the sixth year that I went on HRT. I still have no regrets about it. If  I had to say one thing about it, I wish I started sooner in my life. Yet, I know that if I came out when I was fifteen that my parents’ wouldn’t understand or support me. At least, that is what I thought at that point in my life. Then when I was out on my own, I didn’t want to do it because I thought that I would never be able to find a job. Actually, that still haunts me since I lost my job with the Federal Government.

Anyway, I’m getting off track. The elephant in the room is the coronavirus going around. I think it is crazy. I never thought that I’d live to see a pandemic such as this one. I’ve been in quarantine for about a week after my birthday. I have been out to get my car fixed, but for the most part I haven’t been out at all.  Thanks to my agoraphobia it hasn’t been affecting my mental health at all. Of course, it isn’t helping matters either. I’ve been seeing my therapist virtually. It is cam-to-cam so we can see each other.

The Trump administration isn’t helping us out either. He said some pretty dumb stuff early on and currently. First he thought it was a hoax made up by the Democratic Party. Then he said we are nearly zero. Then it was a good job if it just killed off two hundred thousand people. Not too long ago he thought it made no sense to test for the virus since one day you can have it and then the next day you do have it. Don’t even get me started on him saying that injecting or digesting disinfectants can cure you of the virus. I wish he would just step down and let the scientists take over.

Joe Biden wasn’t my first pick for the front runner for the Democratic Party’s bid for the Presidency. I was behind Kamala Harris before she dropped out. She’s done a lot for the LGBT community during her time as Attorney General of California. Sure there was that one time she ruled in favor of transgender women inmates being in men’s facilities, but I think she answered the question well when she was at the HRC debates. I do think she wasn’t the most liberal candidate on the ticket. I think she just sways with the times. Many politicians included Obama were more centralist in their viewpoints. Yet, I am backing Joe Biden for 2020.

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