A MidWestern transgender woman trying to survive in the real life.

Month: January 2020

Board Game Geek

I was playing around with my blog and adding my icon links to my profile to various social media platforms. I added the one for Steam and noticed that I still had a link to my Board Game Geek profile. I discovered the site a long time ago, but I never joined. I didn’t realize that it had sister sites for video games and role-playing games as well.

I was using the site to read reviews of various board games. Every Christmas my family gets together and play board games. For the Christmas of 2019 we played Ticket to Ride. My middle brother won the game, which always seems to be the case. I trailed behind him by a few points taking second place. Yet, it is not winning or losing that really matters. It is just playing the game and having some fun. After all, that’s what all games are for – to have fun, however you might describe it.

I use to play some Pathfinder about a year or so ago. I was playing a human female sorceress. I had an entire backstory for her. Yet, I stopped going. I’m not sure why I did. It might have been my agoraphobia that caused me to stop. I still stay in touch with the members I use to play with via Facebook. I’m certain they are not playing anymore. I should reach out to them and see if we can start it back up.

I’ve been playing role-playing games ever since I was probably ten years old. We played with the old red box D&D game. I remember that it was just me and my middle brother playing. My youngest brother was too young to play. I use to DM the games while my brother would play multiple characters. We really didn’t know what we were doing. I do recall that my brother got to a ridiculous level that he could fight a dragon by himself.

Eventually, my younger brother was able to play and my middle brother was DMing. I remember that I made all of my characters female. It was my first experience to actually explore who I am. We had some great games together back in the 80s. In fact I think I saw the red box for sale at Barnes & Nobles as a Stranger Things special edition.

Video games were also a huge part of my life. I can remember playing a side scrolling shorter game whose name I don’t recall. It was on the TRS-80. I managed to find a cheat for the game by using the other joystick. I wrote up my find maybe when I was ten to a national video game magazine. It got published and I was so excited to see my own writing in print.

The first system my family owned was the NES. We use to play Duck Hunt on it. It was really advance for that day and age. Of course I had fun shooting at the dog as he was laughing at me.

I had a PC while I was in college. I found a copy of The Sims at the local Walmart. I picked up the game. I can remember the cashier warning that the game was very addicting, Boy, was it ever! I grew to love the series. It was kind of like playing with dolls but on a computer game. I could express myself in ways that I wasn’t able to do so in other games.

These days I do dab around in video games. I pick up each new copy of Madden NFL that comes out for the PlayStation. I have The Sims 4 that I love to play with. I was really deep into Lord of the Rings Online for a very long time. Before that I was really into Final Fantasy XI.

That’s a little bit about my gaming background. I’m sure that I will be posting more about my gaming adventures in some more blog posts.

My Addiction to Twitch

Tazkabaz ending a stream.

I first discovered Twitch when I saw a Twitter post from Lord of the Rings Online stating that a stream was happening live. I decided to click on it. It was fun to watch other people playing the game. I began to explore other people playing Lord of the Rings Online.

The first person I found playing Lord of the Rings Online was TesslaDaPanda. She was also playing some Overwatch, which I have never seen before. I couldn’t believe how fun it was to watch other people playing games that I loved, and exploring new games that I never played before. Not only that, but there was a sense of community in the chat rooms that made everyone feel like family.

I thought I would explore another game that I loved: The Sims 4. The first person that I found was Tazkabaz. She had this beautiful English accent and was entertaining to watch. It wasn’t long until she made me a moderator – someone that patrols the chat room and make sure everyone was following the terms of services. She has since become one of my favorite streamers.

Every so often streamers would do raids bring their viewers over to another person’s channel. One of the people that Tazkabaz raided was MomGamesHard. She was playing The Sims 4 at the time. She was playing the game as a story: Sims Big Brother for example. I grew to start liking her streams and personality as well.

Now I have a schedule when from 8am to 12pm I watch MomGamesHard. I then pop over and watch Tazkabaz play from 1pm until 5pm. Lastly I watch TesslaDaPanda from 7pm until I go to sleep. This is my day every weekday. There are times when some of them don’t stream due to real life getting in the way. I manage to find something else do. It is usually finding other people who are streaming.

My Mental Health

I suffer from some mental health issues. I had suffered from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. Yet, it has gotten worse especially since I transitioned.

I went to see a therapist for my social anxiety. I use to ballroom dance and I was so anxious when I would preform in front of people. I never experienced a problem like this, but I gradually learned it was because I identify as a woman. Ballroom dancing is very gender specific and I knew there was something wrong with doing the steps and movement that were for men. I began Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) on February 2014 to have the physical appearance of being a woman.

I was feeling better once I started but I began to get very anxious of being clocked (viewed as being my wrong gender or of being transgender). I began to develop agoraphobia. I didn’t want to leave the house and run into people. I didn’t have a fear of leaving the house, but rather being around people, mainly because of my gender dysphoria.

I will talk more about my mental health in this blog. I’m currently in therapy now and I loss my job chiefly because of my mental health. I’m still unemployed but I hopeful that I will be getting disability retirement soon. I already got approved for being disabled, but I have not received any payment yet.

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